I would like to be upfront when I say this post may not be exactly what you’re expecting. To state it plainly, I am the friend of someone who has died by suicide. The side effects of suicide will be me sharing my experiences dealing with loss. I hope this will reach someone who may have felt the same.
First and foremost, if you are considering suicide I want you to know that help is available. If you are in the US you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. As advertised “The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.”
*If you are not in the US I encourage you to research the resources available in your country.
I, like many people have had traumatic experiences in my childhood. These experiences shaped who I grew to be through adolescence and adulthood. They impacted how I navigated friendships and romantic relationships. They greatly impacted HOW I responded to situations. I wasn’t aware of any of these things until I started therapy but I knew I needed help.
Through talk-therapy I learned techniques to self-soothe, to find comfort in being alone and how to build and maintain friendships in adulthood. I thought I was on the right path to becoming a more healed person. It was an amazing feeling and I could see the transformation in how I responded to people and certain situations that would once be agonizing.
Insert my friend, Jesse. Jesse was handsome, physically fit, seemingly well-off, had a great sense of humor, was kind and very generous. He was always ready to engage in deep and meaningful conversation. As a veteran he was very informed on social and political happenings. He had very strong stances on injustices in the world. A great time, right? It seemed he had it all.
As our friendship grew he made it apparent there were some experiences of his own he hadn’t healed from. Things that still plagued him at 39 years of age so he was not thrilled about turning 40. He’d shared he’d once attempted suicide in his teens and the after-math of that experience. The way he was made to feel selfish about his decision and how that was the last thing he’d wanted to hear in that moment.
These were very eye-opening revelations. Whenever we see on the news that someone (albeit a celebrity) has died by suicide, it’s always followed by comments like “I didn’t know!” or “They seemed so happy!” or “They made so many people laugh! I didn’t know they were struggling!” My next statement may be a bit taboo but I’m going to say it. I think there are signs. I think I knew my friend well enough which prompted me to ask very directly if suicide were something he contemplated as an adult. He told me “no.” While I didn’t fully believe him, I wasn’t aware of what actions I should’ve been on the lookout for to warrant an intervention.
I grew up in the D.A.R.E era with Saturday morning cartoon specials about telling an adult or a teacher when you felt unsafe. Or if your friend were harming themselves. Sure, seems very simple. Until you’re faced with it. How far is too far exactly? What if the signs aren’t overt? What if you trust the person just needs time to decompress and rejuvenate so you accept when they say they need time to isolate? These were all things I’d considered.
Now, the side effects of suicide. It seemed like any other day. I was working from home when my doorbell rang. It was one of Jesse’s co-workers advising Jesse hadn’t come into work that day. This was unlike him as he always communicated if there were a change in plans. I walked over to his place and received no answer at his door. I let myself in (as I knew his door code and he knew mine). I saw his wallet on his dining table so I knew he was home. I walked upstairs to his bedroom which was where I found him. It was a surreal experience. I immediately processed what I saw and had to take action.
This event led to an opening of wounds I’d thought I’d healed from in my year + of therapy. Turns out I’d only suppressed these experiences as I became skilled at using logic to override my emotions. I was cosplaying as a healed person and Jesse’s suicide ripped that mask clean off. I am in a place now where I’ve given myself grace for how I handled things but let me know if you’ve experienced any of the following.
Side Effects of Suicide #1
Kaizen of Trauma Responses – Fine
The Williamsburg Therapy Group identifies 6 trauma responses. They are fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fine and faint. For the first two months I nestled nicely into “Fine.” It’s comical now because I was anything but fine. I texted our neighboring friends often to check on their well-being. I remained close with Jesse’s family. Always popping in when they were in the neighborhood sorting his belongings. I made friends with his friends (whom I hadn’t known before his death). I was doing so much checking in on everyone else but not enough checking in with myself. I grew up in an environment where I wasn’t encouraged to have or voice my needs. In times of adversity I couldn’t count on my caregivers, I just had to ‘figure it out’ and so I did. I honestly didn’t even know what I needed after Jesse’s death but my priority for some reason was ensuring everyone else was ok.
Side Effects of Suicide #2
Kaizen of Trauma Responses – Flight
I’m sure you read that and were screaming to yourself “that is a recipe for disaster!” Well, it was. Towards the end of month two I began to grow resentful that no one was checking in with me the way I’d been with them. To be fair, I never voiced “I need help”, “I need a hug” or “I need to talk” because I still didn’t know what I needed. However, that didn’t stop that good old abandonment wound from popping up and whispering in my ear “no one cares about you” and “you’re not worth checking up on.” Oof. Writing this makes me chuckle because I know these things are completely untrue but trauma shows up how it wants. In my resentment I stopped checking up on people. I became withdrawn and very short. I was in full on flight mode. Some of the people in my life had taken notice that I’d become withdrawn. There were a few attempts to make contact with me but it was month three and I was absolutely over them. I had already convinced myself they didn’t care about me. I was uninterested in speaking about the problem because I’d spent so much time in isolation that I honestly didn’t even know what the problem was anymore. So many other things were layering on top of Jesse’s suicide and I didn’t know how to cope with others.
Side Effects of Suicide #3
Kaizen of Trauma Responses – Fight
Towards the end of month three my fight response was activated! I would see my neighbors in passing and they’d be so kind and cordial. I’d smile and wave. Sometimes engage in friendly small talk. Other times I’d pretend as if I didn’t see them and keep about my day. Each time in my head however, I would think “f**k them.” This was the most difficult side effect for me since all the nuances of the situation would live in my head rent-free. I would find myself ruminating all times of the day. Thinking of things I wanted to say, how I wanted to tell everyone off, how angry I felt, how abandoned and alone I felt. This stage lasted at least four months and it was awful. I did have an opportunity to speak my truth with my therapist and a few close friends that unfortunately weren’t in close proximity and it helped in the moment. But I was dealing with much bigger feelings and issues that went well beyond my friends suicide. And these feelings were kicking my ass. I desperately wanted out of this cycle and I was committed to healing it all.
If you’ve made it this far and find yourself nodding in agreement with some of what I shared; thank you. If you’re actively in this situation and are hoping to find some tips to help move the needle and end what seems to be an endless cycle of emotions, I’ve got you.
Getting Help
Therapy
I am a huge advocate for everyone seeing a therapist. Sometimes you can’t confide in your friends and family. Either the issue is too personal or because they’ll either invalidate your feelings, give you terrible advice or they just won’t understand where you’re coming from depending on wherever they are in their healing journey. Seeing a therapist will give you a certified professional committed to your development. Who wouldn’t want that? I have personally used BetterHelp which does offer discounts on tuition. I am currently using ThriveWorks which accepts various forms of insurance although you may have a small co-pay.
Shadow Work
“Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside of you is only a reflection of the world inside of you”
Carl jung
I have another post on my site about sharing shame. There I go into a bit more detail about shadow work. A quote I love and find to be very true is “Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside of you is only a reflection of the world inside of you.” This is so true in understanding what triggers you. If you cannot identify them you will end up facing them head on and more then likely with one of the six traumatic responses.
Journaling
Journaling was so impactful for me during this healing process. When I found myself ruminating I would often inflate a situation. Or think on how someone else may have perceived something when I didn’t know that to be true. Journaling helped because I made it a point to write only the facts. By noting what actually happened Vs what I perceived COULD have happened helped me reflect honestly. There was a war zone in my head and anxiety and grief were leading the charge. Ensuring I focused on what I knew to be true helped to ease my nerves. I found that I spent such a long time being angry that I was more upset with the things that didn’t happen and things that weren’t said. Isn’t that wild?!
Being Present
I spent so much time ruminating that I would lose time. I wasn’t really present even when I did allow myself to participate in a social event. My mind (and body) were filled with so many thoughts and emotions and I couldn’t enjoy people and things the way that I used to.
Feeling All the Feels
This was the hardest thing to do because it came very late in my process. During my four month phase of anger where I was mad at the world, I realized there was ONE person I refused to be angry with. It was in that period where I sat and reflected and finally acknowledged (to my therapist) that I was angry with Jesse. He and I were so close and so open with one another. He shared things with me that he hadn’t told anyone before as did I. Our friendship grew so strong in such a short time. Although I knew he had deep pain I thought maybe my presence and the friendship we shared was enough.
Up until that point I had consoled others who admitted they were angry with him for what he did. I would respond with some statistics about how serious mental health was. And I’d say how we needed to accept his choice although we didn’t agree with it. When I really though about it, I was pissed off too. I was furious! My friend who I’d grown so close with and loved so much made such a huge decision and didn’t let me in. I’d seen him just days before the incident and he said nothing. I felt something but didn’t press to allow him his space. He abandoned me. And THERE it is. The old wounds that I’d suppressed so deep coming to gut punch me. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to feel ALL the things; that I started to feel better.
Sadly, all of this took place just this year. While I am actively in the process of healing it feels good knowing I’m moving in the right direction. I know I have a long ways to go but I’m committed to doing the work. If this has helped you or if you have your own story to share I’d love to hear it. Feel free to leave a comment. No judgment and nothing but love here.
May says
Aw man, I’m so sorry you experienced this. It’s awful and I hope I never have to experience the side effects of suicide first hand. But as I’ve experienced, it extends so much further than that first line of contact (i.e family, friends, coworkers). It has a ripple effect that rocks people all the way out.
And having experienced this from a “second hand” perspective, it’s an incredibly hard thing to support someone who has lost someone to suicide. And it’s very similar to what you were saying about trying to support your friend. You see your friend is suffering and there’s no way to stop their hurt or their pain. Even knowing that they’re struggling or even self-sabotaging, it’s hard to know how much is too much and how much is too little. You don’t want them to feel so smothered that they feel like they can’t breathe but taking a step back may make them feel totally isolated and alone. And people’s reactions/needs are so different that even if you’ve experienced it before, it could be a totally different situation with the person in front of you. What happens when they’re struggling and they don’t know what to say or to say? What happens if someone you asks a question point blank and you don’t have the capacity to even say that you’re too tired to answer that? We can only do the best. For me, I wish I could have/ would have hopped on a plane and been there for my friend. Looking back, even if we didn’t talk about anything at all, I think there is value is just showing up. But hindsight is always 20/20. And like a natural disaster, you often can’t really know the impact of the aftermath until everything has settled.
So kudos to you for taking the time you needed to work through the grief. I know it seems like some things were “delayed” or you had to sit in certain phases longer than you would have liked but your grief is your grief and you did the best you could in a heartbreaking situation. I pray you continue to find comfort and healing. And thank you for having the courage to share this experience. It has helped me immensely.
donniedidthat says
Thank you for your kind words.
Marie W. says
It’s heart-wrenching to read your account of a friend’s suicide and the aftermath you experienced from his decision. It was also a poignant reminder to anyone who may be contemplating taking their own life. As divinely created beings, we seek a higher purpose to our pain. Your writing not only aids in your own healing but also in others who may see taking their life as the only option to end their suffering. Keep working to heal, my sweet friend! Thank you for sharing.